They say dreams do come true but sometimes when the day of the dead arrives, I would say otherwise. I would curl up in my bed or stare at the ceiling or when it wouldn't have been a pandemic - I would be pouring water slowly over a cup of ice while I smile away my regrets and hide them from my family who joined me in visiting the grave of our loved ones.
For it is true, all the hardships a child gives to her parents will come back as regrets. That is one of the three reasons why grief lasts forever, you think a lot about the could haves. You could have been pouring him a drink to celebrate life. You could have been kinder. You could have given him a better life.
It is also true that you will heal and be able to move forward. Not because you stop feeling the pain, but because you finally have learned how to live around it. You would stare at the ceiling for so long and get up later anyway. You get three beautiful dogs, almost as exactly as how you have imagined his liking for pets. Still, it's never been the same.
Then, there's love. The unspent love that pushes your entire body to curl up like it's the only way to protect your fragile heart. The love that burns when there's a special occasion; or when it rains; or when you see your mom struggle in life; or even when it's just another regular day while your grandmother spontaneously says, "Your father would have been proud". The love that you badly want to give but cannot anymore! Again, you could have been pouring his favorite drink rather, to celebrate your success.
As I get older, I find it harder to describe grief and more often than not, I would skip talking about it. I would try harder to live without regrets, I would be happier and would give more love to the people that are still around. Sure...
Although today is one of those days when I believe that it's okay to admit that dreams do not come true.
It doesn't mean you're doomed to a life of remorse! You are definitely living a good or even a better life BUT witnessing your dreams happen right in front of your eyes also makes you realize that there's an empty chair where one of your guests of honor could have been occupying.
It's not the same dream anymore.
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